WHEN A LOVED ONE PASSES

A LOVING TRIBUTE TO ESSIE RINGO

Some of you may be wondering why I’ve been absent from this blog since early September 2019. This blog post explains where I’ve been and what I’ve been doing since then.

For the past two months, my personal life has been on hold. This included my daily writing sessions. I did this so that I could help other family members care for a dear family member who was dying.

In a nutshell, I’ve been serving as a caregiver to my precious 90-year-old mother-in-law, Essie Ringo. A massive stroke left her bedridden and in need of Hospice care in early September. It was her personal wish NOT to be admitted to the hospital, but instead remain in her home, surrounded by family and friends during her last few weeks of life.

It is my highest honor to introduce you to her by sharing the picture you see above, taken by my husband on the occasion of her 90th birthday party on December 23, 2018. It was the BEST recent photo taken of her and one that our family will cherish forever.

I also want to share with you her remarkable story and WHY she was so dearly loved by so many who knew her.

ESSIE’S BACKSTORY

For most of her adult life, Essie’s life mission focused on caring for special needs/at risk children. She and her late husband, Basil Ringo started a home for homeless children back in the 1960’s. The home was associated with a large church (located in the same neighborhood) as an extension of the church’s community outreach ministry.

Essie had six biological children. Over the years, she and her husband also legally adopted four children whose parents were unable to care for them for various reasons. They then foster-parented over thirty other children outside of the government’s foster-parenting system. She and her husband never took a dime of government money to support their household.

They both worked full-time, (she as a nurse in hospitals and him at various jobs). They pooled their incomes with other employed adults from their church, some of whom were live-in assistants and had a heart for ministering to children. If the combined incomes were not enough to cover expenses, they relied on love offerings or in-kind donations from their church family to supplement their income and meet the needs.

Essie continued the work and mission her husband had begun for six decades after her husband died in the late 60’s. In recent years, she helped her youngest son (also a nurse) and one of her other adult sons (a deaf-mute) take care of one of her adult grandsons. A tragic car accident back in 2007 left her grandson in a coma, brain injured and confined to bed or a wheelchair for eleven years until his death in 2018. She and her sons faithfully cared for him in her home. Her sons took care of her when her own health began to fail over the last few years. Other family members contributed financial, emotional and respite support, when needed.

She was a woman of strong faith and possessed deep compassion for children. Her memory and legacy will live on in the life of every child she helped to raise. And what a remarkable life she lived!

In fact, at her birthday party last December, over two hundred of her family members, friends, along with current and former neighbors gathered at her church to celebrate with her over a potluck dinner. Person after person stood by her chair in front of the group and shared how they met her, favorite memories, funny stories and times when she made a life changing impact on their lives. Their stories brought laughter, tears and at times, spontaneous applause from attendees.

As I watched and listened to everyone speak, it occurred to me that this birthday party was like a wake, except that in this case, it was a chance for Essie to hear from people she loved and who loved her before she left this earth. What a wonderful day it was!

This is why I don’t regret one moment of the time I spent with Essie during her last weeks of life. In fact, I feel privileged to have been there for her in her time of need.

Essie moved to Heaven on October 14th, 2019.

Before she passed, Essie and I shared some very special conversations and inspiring moments I will never forget as long as I live. I will share one of those conversations with you at the end of this post.

First, I want to address an issue that is difficult for family caregivers to deal with—the passing of loved ones we have been caring for, and the end of one chapter of our care giving journey.

When the End is Near

Regardless of how long you’ve been caring for an ill or injured loved one, thinking or talking with them about end of life issues can be emotional and difficult. It’s a set of topics most people want to avoid. It is nonetheless critical to do so while your loved one can still make important personal decisions.

As hard as it may be, I believe it is vital that we have those difficult conversations. If for no other reason than to provide peace of mind to our loved ones and ourselves. Knowing in advance what another person’s personal wishes are before they become incapacitated can relieve much stress when the end is near.

Topics to consider include gently asking your loved one the following questions:

• Do they wish to be in a hospital with palliative care or in a home setting with Hospice care during their final weeks of life?
• Do they want a viewing prior to burial so that family and friends who haven’t yet done so can say their goodbyes? Or would they prefer a pictorial presentation of their life that celebrates who they were when they were healthy and happy?
• Preferred type/method of burial (cremation vs. traditional burial). If cremation is chosen, where do they wish for their remains to be sprinkled, planted or otherwise distributed? If traditional burial is preferred, where do they wish to be buried and what do they want written on their headstone?
• Would they prefer a church setting, a home setting or a favorite place in nature they enjoyed visiting in life as the backdrop for the final gathering of family and friends?
• Financial considerations: have they purchased a burial package or an end of life insurance policy to cover final expenses and if so, who has legal access to the funds or documents? Who is legally authorized in advance to make decisions and act on their behalf when the time comes?

These decisions may seem basic, and yet if they are not made in advance, the caregiver, family members and friends are left to answer them after the fact, which can be an extreme source of stress for all concerned. Especially when not everyone agrees on how they should be handled and by whom.

Family drama should be avoided at all costs. The simple way to avoid family drama is to document a loved one’s final wishes in writing, on video, or by whatever means is at your disposal while they are able to do so. It’s difficult to argue with a dying person’s wishes when they are clearly spelled out in writing and signed/dated by them.  

A BEDSIDE CONVERSATION WITH ESSIE

At the beginning of this blog post, I promised to share with you a precious conversation I had with Essie during her last few weeks of life.

One day, as I stood by her bed alone, we began discussing angels, heaven, eternity and more.

We talked about all the family members who have passed into eternity over the years. This is a rather long list, as the Ringo family has lost so many members. It started with their father’s untimely death (when my husband was only six or seven years old), and continued as one by one, several siblings died way before their time—including Essie’s oldest son who committed suicide.

This large family has lost at least as many people as those who remain alive and well today.

After a brief pause in our conversation, Essie closed her eyes, as if drifting off to sleep. Then, a moment later, she opened her eyes wide and smiled.

“They’re ALL going to be there!”, she exclaimed in a loud voice.

“Yes, Essie”, I said. They’re all going to be there. The moment you step foot out of that portal into eternity, they will all be waiting to greet you! You’ll be able to enjoy a family reunion with all of them and you can update them on all of us who are still here on Earth!”

“Do you know the first thing I am going to do after I get to Heaven?”, Essie asked me. I reached for her hand and squeezed it gently.

“No, what are you going to do?”

“I’m going to give Jesus the biggest hug EVER!”

I smiled and said, “I’m almost jealous!” I paused. “Do me a big favor, mom?”

“Anything for you, sweet girl. Anything.”

“Would you give Jesus another hug from me and tell Him how much I love Him?” Tears welled up in my eyes and slowly ran down my cheeks.

Essie smiled again. “I most certainly will, darling. I most certainly will.” She closed her eyes and drifted into a deep sleep with a faint smile still on her face.

ANGELS ALL AROUND

A recently published edition of Chicken Soup for the Soul entitled, Angels All Around contains 101 true stories from ordinary people who have had extraordinary personal encounters with angels, or who have been impacted in some way in life by angels.

One of those stories is mine. Inspired by one of our granddaughters, it is a snapshot of a conversation I had with her when she was about seven years old about angels—in this case, a guardian angel. More on that in a moment.

Right after Essie’s stroke, family members from far and wide began to gather in the living room where her hospital bed had been set up by Hospice. They came in waves to say goodbye to their, mom, grandmother, great-grandmother and great-great grandmother. One day, I think I counted about thirty people or more crowding into the living room and spilling out into the dining room and kitchen area.

One of those people had driven with a friend all night from Arkansas to say her final goodbyes. It was the same granddaughter who inspired my story about angels so many years ago when she was a little girl. Now grown and living on her own, I wanted to gift her a copy of the story she inspired.

Before doing that, I asked Essie if she’d like me to read the story to her out loud, and she eagerly agreed.

I called all of the young people in the house, including my granddaughter into the living room.

Some perched upon couches, others stood or sat by her bedside. As I read the story aloud, tears began to fall, including my own. Essie had always loved the topic of angels and now was no exception. When I finished the story and closed the book, the room was silent. I felt such a sense of closure and peace. The fact that Essie got to hear the story before she moved to Heaven was somehow comforting to me.

In the weeks that followed, as the end neared, Essie began to talk about the angels she was seeing in the room. She described them in detail and informed whoever happened to be in the room with her, the exact moment the angels appeared to her. I knew they were there to prepare her for her final journey into eternity.

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Rest in peace, sweet Essie. You will never be forgotten. Your smile will continue to light up our hearts and minds, every time we think of you. I’ll love you forever and can’t wait to hug you AND Jesus when my time comes. Your name means “Star”, so every time I look up at a star filled sky, I will think of you and the love and light you shared with me here on earth.

From this day forward, I will treasure this beautiful picture of you and will do my best to follow your example, by living a life of service, and loving all those whom God puts in my path.

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If you are grieving the loss of a loved one, click here for support: www.griefshare.org