It was one of those days when everything seemed to go wrong before noon.
As I vacuumed the living room floor for the second time that day, I fell into despair. I thought about all the major life challenges our family had faced over the past several months.
For the past three weeks, the reality of what had happened to our family had been driving me crazy.
My husband had recently completed a nine-month rehab period, after his spinal cord injury. Less than a month later, we moved from the city of Houston to a small rural county in East Texas.
The fifty-year-old farmhouse sitting on over 200 acres of land was a gift and major blessing from his family. The paid off mortgage meant we didn’t have to pay rent. But the house was not in the best shape and was not wheelchair friendly.
So for the first two weeks, family and friends helped us do some remodeling. They built a wheelchair ramp for the front porch and a modified 4’X4′ roll in tile shower add-on to the master bedroom. I was thankful for all the help.
But after everyone left, as I watched the last car leave my driveway, the full gravity of the responsibility that was now mine alone hit me. It fell upon me like a lead blanket.
Negative tapes kept playing in my head over and over again. Questions and thoughts circled in my brain, non-stop for three solid weeks. It had been an eventful year. I was still processing everything and trying to come to a place of inner peace and acceptance.
But instead, I felt I was being tortured. I constantly obsessed over all we had lost and felt sorry for myself. Negative self-talk and questions resulted.
- why us?
- what had we done to deserve this?
- how did we go from living a comfortable lifestyle to living at the poverty level?
- this feels like pure torture!
- why are we being tortured like this?
Suddenly, a still small voice within my soul whispered quietly: “Is it torture or is it testing, Melody?” PEACE. I immediately recognized my Creator’s voice. His question stopped those negative tapes from playing instantly!
Divine peace settled over me like a warm blanket for the first time in months. Torture or testing?
Hmmm …that put a whole new perspective on things.
Perhaps this was a spiritual test of some sort. If so, a choice lay before me. Was I going to continue my pity party for the rest of my life and remain miserable? Or would I stand up, shake off my negative mindset and view these hardships as a test of my faith?
I knew I would pass or fail this test, based upon my response at this moment in time. The torturous thoughts had gone on long enough. It was now or never.
Deep in my heart, I wanted to pass the test more than anything in the world. I wanted to find the life lessons in all that had transpired. I wanted to overcome. I wanted to heal.
I turned off the vacuum cleaner, sat on the couch and cried for the first time in months. The negative tapes in my head went silent. Divine peace filled my heart.
From that day on, I had hope that with God’s help, I would pass this test. No matter what it took.
I wasn’t alone in this struggle.
Romans 8:31 What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?