A CAREGIVER’S DILIMEMA & A DIVINE DISCOVERY

It had not been a good morning.

A basic caregiving task had backfired – big time. I had performed this task for my paralyzed husband many times in the past few years, without incident.

But not so today.

His angry words rang in my ears. My highly sensitive soul felt cut to the bone. I hadn’t meant to hurt him. I was only trying to help. But his over the top angry outburst was about to propel me out of the house.

A book I was reading at the time, Co-Dependant No More, by Melody Beattie, urged readers to practice good self-care at times like this. It advised them to respond in love to those who mis-treated them, but not to allow it to continue.

The book suggested leaving the person’s presence for a time, if/when needed. This gives both parties a chance to cool down before attempting to resolve the conflict.

I had never had the courage to do so in the past without anger. But today, I knew I had to do it. I placed the phone on his hospital table, re-filled his water jug and left the T.V. remote and a snack within his reach.

I calmly repeated to him something I’d learned from the book. “I love you, but I can not be around you when your emotions are out of control. I’m going to be gone for at least an hour to give both of us a chance to calm down.”

He began to threaten and curse me, in an attempt to keep me from leaving the house.

It wasn’t going to work on me today. Heart pounding, I picked up my car keys, turned around and walked out of the room.

Moments later, I was outside in my car, sobbing and shaking like a leaf. I finally found the courage to drive to a nearby pasture on another part of our property. There, I found shelter under a beautiful dogwood tree.

I sat on the ground under the tree, leaned against its trunk, sobbing. I was in desperate need of solace. Why was he reacting in such anger? I didn’t have a clue. Only God knew. I was so upset, I couldn’t even form the words to verbalize a prayer.

I picked up a stick from the ground near me and hastily scrawled the word, “HELP!” in the dirt.

No easy answers came to me.

Still, I lingered for a while, praying for divine guidance. My Creator knew my tender heart and I knew He heard my cry for help. Tears rolled down my cheeks.

Thunderclouds filled the sky above me. It would rain soon.

Was it my fault that he was now unable to trim his own toenails? No. A freak accident serveral years earlier had done that.

As his sole caregiver, I was often frustrated and exhausted, but it was never my intent to harm him in any way. Our life together was hard enough now without adding fuel to the fire.

How had it come to this? What had happened to our marriage since his injury? It had always been a difficult relationship, but increasingly, it felt like a war zone. Was I somehow to blame for an unintentional clip of his toenail that made him bleed?

I searched my heart. No, I’d tried not to hurt him, but the clippers had slipped in my hand, tearing a tiny corner of the flesh on the side of his toe.

Despite the fact that he was paralyzed and could not feel physical pain, he became enraged. He observed the entire process from a sittting position in his hospital bed. I sat on a stool at the foot of his bed and worked to trim his toenails.

The very sight of a single drop of blood on his toe caused him to go into a rage, as if I had done it on purpose. My mind was numb, my body ached. A glance at my watch showed that an hour had passed. I’d never left him alone this long before. I’d have to go back in the house and face him soon.

What would I say? Nausea flooded my body; my head was pounding. What to do? I breathed a silent prayer.

A beam of sunlight broke through the clouds. I looked up. A single dogwood flower took final leave of its branch, and floated in slow motion to the ground.

It landed gently on the word “HELP!”, written in the dirt near my foot. Was it a sign from God? An answer from the heavens?

A sudden bolt of inspiration hit me. I now knew what I needed to do. Slowly, I rose to my feet. Divine peace filled my heart. I reached for a low hanging branch and pulled a handful of flowers from the tree.

After returning home, I walked slowly toward the house, my heart pounding. Once inside the bedroom, I walked to one side of his hospital bed, without speaking a word. He watched me intently, uncharacteristically subdued and silent.

Tenderly, I laid the wild flowers on his knee. He bit his bottom lip and teared up for a split second. Walking to the end of the bed, I wiped the dried blood from his toe and the tears from my face.

Picking up the clippers, I sat down on the stool and resumed the simple task I had started a little over an hour ago.

***

Life Lesson Learned:

As caregivers, sometimes our loved ones take their negative emotions out on us. We can’t control their responses, but we can control how we respond back to them, with divine help from our Creator.

This does not mean we should accept mistreatment, but it does mean we can choose to take the high road and control our own responses and actions.

I discovered this truth as a result of this and dozens of similar incidents I encountered as a family caregiver.

A scripture that applies is found in Matthew 5:44 –

But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.

The promise that is given to us if we do so is found in 1 Peter 3:9 –

Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.

The Legend of the Dogwood Tree posted below, teaches us more about what the Dogwood tree is said by some to symbolize and what we can learn from it.

NOTE: This post is based on a true story from my life experience. It is intended to help illustrate a life lesson learned only. It is not intended to criticize, harm or otherwise insult any unnamed person(s) involved in the story.